I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
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All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from