If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
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sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”