professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
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I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories