@NurseSeymour: Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he'll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
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@LizHackett: It's 11:48 PM. You can't sleep. Underneath your bed, there's a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
@cjwerleman: I think the only thing Fox News hasn't yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson's bullets. #ferguson
@michel_lesann: “Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!” *I start to get up from table* *wife discretely stops me* *I silently agree with wife*
@OhNoSheTwitnt: A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.