Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
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Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
getting carded isn鈥檛 cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i鈥檓 not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money鈥檚 worth
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I thought $3 eggs 馃 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 馃槄馃ぃ馃槀
You don鈥檛 scare me. You鈥檙e not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
007: the name鈥檚 bond鈥ames bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.