My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
You Might Also Like
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
584.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.