My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?