Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
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My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie