@hazelmotes1: Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I'm only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.
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@sickipediabot: "If you have any questions, just ask. My door is always open." said the boss at my new job. "Why do you need a door then?" I asked him.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?
@causticbob: My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation. The kids aren't to keen, but my wife and I just don't want them anymore.
@thejamietighe: *cop pulls me over* Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight? Me:What makes you think I've been drinking? *cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*