@hazelmotes1: Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I'm only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.
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@DaveWeasel: If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
@fro_vo: Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
@SortaBad: "I have a coupon for a large 2 topping" "What toppings?" "Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza" "Sir you can't top a pizza with a smaller pizza"
@sarah1mc: When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, "Wow, I can't believe it took so long."