My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
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[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
getting groceries
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man