Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
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God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
this is so top tier i cant
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
😂 amazing answer
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.