STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
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Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.