Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
they split up moments later
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
the battle rages on
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast