Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
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Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
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Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!