My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
You Might Also Like
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Many hands make light work
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip