@moooooog35: Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I'd be shopping at the dollar store.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@_Ms_Moneypenny_: Some guy called me a siren. It's like he doesn't even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
@BCMontgo: Wife: How'd this get broken? Me: Probably the kids. Wife: We don't have any kids. Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
@stephenjmolloy: Genie: "You have 3 wishes." Ian: "I wish for everyone to be equal." Genie: "Okay. You have no wishes."
@audipenny: [speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby] Man what am I going to do with all these hens