Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
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“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…