Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
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The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Probably my best painting.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes