Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.