That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
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Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Steam Forums
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Ironic
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.