Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
so this horse walks into a bar
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.