FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?