Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
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Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…