*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
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There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?