Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.