Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
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Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))