“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
You Might Also Like
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I’m crying im so happy for them
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.