[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
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Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!