[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
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[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.