@SCbchbum: Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
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@ilovepie84: A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I'm eating around a sticker on an apple cause I'm too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
@jenniferfralic: Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
@blade_funner: (me as a paramedic) *rubbing two cymbals together* Clear! *slams cymbals together* WAKE UP!