@jake_lach: Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who's your dealer?
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@clemdytan: My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
@Vodkantots: Well well well. If it isn't old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.
@Smooheed: Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
@welone1: During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.