I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?