*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
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People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.