Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long