Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
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Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
They grow up so quick
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”