Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
You Might Also Like
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic