Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.