My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.