@davedittell: LAMP FOR SALE: gold, antique, good patina, evil genie, functions like new, you will be killed, shiny, polished, be careful what you wish for
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@Underchilde: If you’re going to insist I get you a wedding gift, then I’m going to insist you bail me out when I get caught shoplifting it.
@maryjennaa: i hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w
@AbbyHasIssues: Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I'm using what's left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.