My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
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*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
*lint rolls you awake*
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.