Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Blew out my flip flop…
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
ok like just. call me at this point
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Mhm.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith