Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
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Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.