cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
You Might Also Like
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
back to work
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.