@KenJennings: Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you're fooling?
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@RorynotRoy: I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.
@Ma_h_ad: I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he's like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
@withanewname: [trick or treating] "Oh, what a cute little…what's she doing?" Me: potty training. "In my pumpkin?!" Me: She likes the heated seat.
@KimMonte10: Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot