911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
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GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
🙅🏻
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this