Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…