[landlord showing new tenant around] "No smoking allowed" "How about pets?" "That's fine" [dog walks in and lights up] "We'll take it"

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@sixthformpoet: 1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

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@WineMummy: The scene from The Exorcist where she's tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it's me when getting a Brazilian.

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@curlycomedy: White people don't dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the "Woo!" at the end of a song.

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@EJGomez: God: u can ask me 1 question me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop God: [later] devil: welcome to hell

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