@AsgardianRose: North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn't last an hour before they executed me.

@Not_a_JesusGirl: Playboy has started a new edition for married men with the same women featuring every month.

@Sarcasticsapien: Me: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Me: When you fell from a really high distance. Dating as an atheist is hard.

@davidschneider: God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how's 2016 been? Did you cope OK? Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

@GayAtHomeDad: If you use the word "ridonkulous" or "ginormous," chances are you're a retardiot.