Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
never forget
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Grow up never but we old may grow we
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid