.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
forgive me baja for i have blast
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?