@robdelaney: .@LAPD My wife made hazelnut "coffee" with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
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@OtherDanOBrien: [police lineup] VICTIM: That's him! The dopey fat guy in the middle. COP: We haven't started yet. That's your own reflection in the glass.
@TheBlessMess: The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
@torrami: Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage :(
@slyoung5: A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn't work, carjacking does.