@robdelaney: .@LAPD My wife made hazelnut "coffee" with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
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@AntozWolf: Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
@PinkCamoTO: It's like grandma always said... Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won't be invited back.
@ericsshadow: My wife Googled "how responsible does a 10yr old need to be to stay at home without a babysitter" and now she won't let me stay home alone.
@panmidwest: [ping pong] ME: 3 to 2, my serve JESUS: M: can I have the ba- J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve M: [exhales] every time