@topaz_kell: "I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele's new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles." - my neighbor

@InternetHippo: me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling! children: the old man is off his meds. he's losing it me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl

@sonictyrant: A spider is just a hairy raisin with legs

@hippieswordfish: 'welcome to helicopter class. any questions..' *student raises hand* *arm gets obliterated by chopper blades* 'can wait until we go inside'

@DurtMcHurtt: I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.