[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
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My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
nice challenge
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”