[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
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hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad