LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
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Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?