caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
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My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown